It took him several hours to crack, though it didn't surprise her that he eventually did. She had seen him squirm more and more, not being able to deal with the building tension. Multiple times he had looked at her, trying hard to find a hint that she too was caving under the pressure. Unfortunately for him, she was spending a lot of time studying the landscape, inventorising the current state of the parts in both territories that had been involved most in the war. That was the difference between them right now. For him, she was all he had. But she still carried her burden, and now his as well.
Part of her considered it unfair to blame him for it. He had been torn between loyalty to his father and loyalty to her, behaving admirably even in war while eventually giving her all she had wanted. And she had simply inherited the burden of rule. He had claimed it by force, which would have had enormous complications in the long run. Handing it all to her was a logical decision. But she still resented him for it.
Plus there was that nagging voice in the back of her head. Why now? Why not years earlier, before all the bloodshed, before all the pain. If he had turned on his father far sooner, so much suffering could have been prevented. They could have made amends, the two of them, they could have... She buried the thought and focused on checking the quality of clothing, tools, houses. Anything that could give her a decent impression of the current state of affairs.
It was about half an hour after their first break that he couldn't manage to keep his silence. "Ah, your Grace?" He sounded hesitant, more so than she could recall him ever being. She didn't bother responding or acknowledging him, deliberately not even looking in his direction. The lack of backchanneling kept him silent for a few seconds more. "Uhm, your Grace, are you punishing me right now?"
Yes. Of course she was. She kept looking outside and deliberately made her voice sound as uninterested as she could manage. "Why? Is there something you did wrong?" Yes, so many things. He actually winced at her words, acting as if she had just thrown an insult at him. Though perhaps her indifference was worse to him than any vicious barb she could throw at him. He had sacrificed everything for her, and here she was, pretending to not even care.
His mouth opened, then closed, opened less, closed once more, as a dozen emotions flashed over his face. She felt annoyed by how open he now was with his emotions, compared to how cold his face had been when he had tricked her. What gave him the right to act the victim now. A frown grew on her face, while he closed his eyes for a moment, gathering his courage. As he opened them, she saw pain, regret, resolve. "I have wronged you more than I could ever make amends for. But I am unsure which of those events are the cause of your actions today."
She scoffed, causing him to wince, though less than before. It seems he had finally gotten a grasp on his emotions, taking in the reins. Unlike her. No, she was just lashing out deliberately, she decided. It felt like an excuse. She spoke up rather than face her own feelings. "Oh I wonder. Maybe the mess you left in my great hall. I had to pull your father's head off myself, nobody dared to touch it. Just another mess you left for me to clean up." For a moment he looked as if he felt wronged, which he quickly hid off his face even before he could see her anger spike. "What, you don't feel like that's your fault? Who was it that chose to disgrace his father in my castle? You even abused the technique I taught you for it!"
Ah, now she realised, that was indeed part of it. When going up against her, he had used everything he had ever learned from her. The Verglas technique that he rarely had used in the war, a good thing too because he would have taken so many more lives. Her emotional control, which she was forfeiting right now, yet he was holding onto it as they spoke. Knowing exactly how to steer her knights, do exactly the right things to get them to draw their weapons, yet not actually use them. Even steering her, saying just the right things to manipulate her, cause her to miss his trap.
All was fair in war, and he had treated it as the ultimate battle in that forsaken war of the past years. And the worst part? She couldn't even blame him for it. He did what he had to for his desired outcome. The only problem was that it left her feeling hollow. She knew she was being unfair, but she needed the outlet. "So what was your end goal anyway? Run away, drop the mess on me? Could have at least negotiated for your life instead, run off with your personal guard, instead of shackling yourself to me with dramatic antics. What was that for anyway? You could have repented in a million ways without forcing your life onto me."
Her face was no longer just frowning or glaring. No, she could feel it, this was unbridled rage, pure fury burning through her face and eyes and voice. "What was so important that you had to do it this way, huh? Why couldn't you just run off, why stick around, what, to help me? Don't tell me, did you think you couldn't leave me alone? Have to protect me from myself, like you did yesterday?!" She caught herself just before shouting even more vile remarks at him.
He couldn't look her in the eyes anymore. No wonder, with how much she had just thrown out. She vaguely noticed hooves coming closer, her voice obviously having carried outside, knights now worried and unsure how to act. Honestly, she felt like she had gone too far. Before she could continue, with words either sweet or vile, she wasn't sure, he spoke up. "That is the lie I tell myself, yes. That I owe it to you to be there for you, to at least somewhat support you with the mess I left you. But it is a lie." He sighed in sorrow. "My real motives were never that grand nor offensive."
He looked her in the eyes again, as close to tears as she had ever seen him in many a year. "I wish either of us were ready for the truth, but right now, I think it would just break things even more. So please indulge me in this, your Grace. Let me hold onto that lie a bit longer. Rage at me for it, but let me keep it, just until we're ready. I promise that I will be honest with you one day. I just can't right now." His voice broke on that last bit, barely managing to hold back his tears, as his words took her out of her fury. With a snap she turned her head away, realising she too was nearly in tears at his eager plea. She saw a worried knight peek inside, gladly using the opportunity to throw an angry glare at him, a welcome distraction from facing her feelings.
Both of them let their emotions calm down a bit. From the corner of her eye she noticed him looking down at his knees, hands folded over. Gathering a last bit of needed courage. "I apologise for yesterday, after the fight. For what I did when you were talking to Vicomtesse Pertrellan. I overstepped."
"You didn't." Instant. She couldn't let that go, as much as she'd have liked to remain mad at him. But no, she couldn't let him deceive himself about that. At that point, she had needed him. To pretend otherwise, to pretend just for a count that she actually blamed him for that, was more than she could bear. Though she still couldn't handle facing him, afraid that she would lose control. So she kept looking outside, resting her chin on her hand, feigning disinterest.
She saw him look her way, struggle with not knowing what to say, the same way she couldn't think of a way to continue their conversation. They settled into silence, her looking outside, him looking down, pretending to be thinking but not being able to properly notice anything right now. Neither noticed the faint smiles that were sneaking into their expressions. The silence no longer felt painful. Now, it felt healing.
